5 tips to grow your connection if you’re growing apart in a relationship
Takeaway: In this post, I discuss why couples grow apart in their relationship, how to reconnect after growing apart, and how to avoid growing apart from your spouse or partner.
Have you ever thought about your relationship and asked yourself “How did we get here? We used to be so… (fill in the blank). What happened?” As a couples therapist in Los Angeles, many couples I work with ask those same questions and feel like they’re growing apart from their spouse or partner.
How about you?
Do you miss the connection you used to have with your partner? Do you feel like you’re growing apart in your relationship? If so, read on to understand how growing apart in a relationship happens and what you can do to grow closer together.
And if you don’t feel like you’ve grown apart from your spouse but want to learn how to avoid growing apart in your relationship, here’s a spoiler alert. The same tips that can repair a relationship and help partners grow closer after growing apart are helpful to avoid growing apart to begin with.
What causes growing apart in a relationship?
Partners grow apart when they do not invest time and energy into growing together.
Sometimes, it starts with a conscious decision, such as when a partner intentionally chooses to stop sharing things. They might choose to spend more time away from home. They may also prioritize their own individual hobbies over connecting together. A partner with good intentions might choose to stop sharing about things that stress them out or bother them, not wanting to burden their spouse.
More frequently, though, the emotional and physical space between partners increases slowly over time. Partners sometimes unconsciously spend their time and energy on other things besides growing their connection. Sometimes, growing apart happens almost unnoticed. Often, partners aren’t even aware it is happening until a moment hits them that makes them feel alone and unsatisfied, missing the way things used to be.
Raising children, caring for elderly parents, growing a career, pain from unresolved emotional wounds in the relationship, and dealing with stress are all things that can consume a couple's attention. There is little energy left for growing the relationship. It can feel like partners are doing their relationship side-by-side instead of together. Unless partners intentionally grow their relationship together when there are stressors naturally pulling their attention away from each other, they grow apart.
How to avoid growing apart from your spouse
Couples can avoid growing apart in a long term relationship by intentionally choosing to grow together and putting time and energy into that choice to grow.
People incorrectly think that the best way to keep the spark alive and avoid growing apart is through grand gestures like romantic and child-free vacations. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it's how partners treat each other in the day to day that will help grow their connection and enjoy each other's company.
Avoid growing apart in a relationship by switching out of autopilot and intentionally choosing to connect.
Growing together happens through simple gestures like responding gently and openly when your partner tries to interact with you. It starts with not ignoring them or arguing with them when they try to share something. It’s taking the time to start a conversation with them. It’s learning something about them that you didn’t know before. It’s choosing to hold each other. Those gestures may seem small, but they set the foundation for connection, trust, and intimacy.
5 Tips to reconnect with your partner after growing apart in a relationship.
Use these tips to avoid growing apart, too!
1. Talk with your partner about how you want to grow your connection.
Getting on the same page is so important! If you feel like you and your spouse have grown apart, it probably feels like there are times when you’re speaking different languages. You may barely be communicating as it is. Share how you’re feeling about your connection (or lack of). Don’t point fingers or place blame. Tell your partner how you would like to grow together. Ask if your partner would like to work towards building a connection with you, too. You can keep each other accountable and committed to working on that goal.
2. Schedule time to intentionally connect every day.
There’s a time management quote that says “If you don’t schedule it, it won’t happen.” This is so true when it comes to creating time to intentionally connect. Create a cuddle routine for the first 5 minutes of your day before you hop out of bed. Set a reminder on your phone to text your partner while you’re at work. Create a routine for how you will greet each other when you see each other at the end of the day. Schedule a time where you can share with each other about your day. Whatever you do, put it on your schedule to intentionally connect.
3. Learn new things about your partner.
When it feels like you know everything about someone, your interactions together can start to feel stale. Ask your partner questions to learn something you don't already know about them. It doesn't matter if you're learning something about their past, present, or future. The important thing is that you're learning something new.
4. Learn something fun together.
Learning something together that is fun and new gives you an opportunity to connect, be vulnerable with each other, and work together. As you prioritize growing your connection through learning a new activity, you will find yourselves with situations that will make you problem solve, laugh together, and practice showing kindness to each other. All of these things will help you grow your connection. Plus, the sense of accomplishment that comes with knowing you did something new together is something you can celebrate together. Creating good memories helps build a strong connection.
5. Consider working with a Couples Therapist
For most couples, growing apart is not an intentional choice. Partners can slowly grow apart over time. Just because you're now aware that you've grown apart, it doesn't mean that the stressors that pulled your attention and energy away from each other are no longer there. It’s possible you may now find yourself trying to grow together while also dealing with those competing stressors.
Consider working with a couples therapist if:
♥ You’re both intentionally trying to connect and you’re not growing the way you were hoping to
♥ You want to feel confident that the efforts you’re putting into connecting are proven by research to be effective
♥ You want to grow together and would like a professional on that journey with you
You don’t have to wait until things feel miserable to seek help. But even if things do feel miserable right now, a good therapist will help you sort through the tough stuff and give you hope that you can see each other with the love and connection that drew you to each other in the first place.
Working with a licensed couples therapist can help you efficiently use your time together. You can know that the efforts you are putting into your relationship are giving you the best chance at reconnecting.
A word about sex
Relationship experts will tell you that healthy couples who don’t grow apart maintain physical intimacy in their relationship. Some couples therapists and and advice blogs may even tell you to have more sex (with each other) and prioritize or schedule sex when you’re trying to reconnect. Sex is an important part of most partnerships. However, if you haven’t hugged, held hands, or felt connected enough to be emotionally vulnerable in a while, sex probably won’t create the connection that you’re wanting. So yes, as you’re working towards reconnecting with your partner, make a goal to create healthy physical intimacy. This includes a sex life that is enjoyable and fulfilling for you both. But make sure to give yourselves permission to go slow, build your emotional connection, and be physically and emotionally gentle with yourself and your partner.
Conclusion
Growing apart in a relationship can feel like it happens without anyone being aware of it. Life, kids, responsibilities, careers, and other interests draw energy and attention away from each other. You may feel like you’ve grown so far from your spouse or partner that you’re not sure if you can ever have the connection you want to have or used to have with them.
The thing with relationships, though, is if you’ve grown apart, you can also grow together.
Hi, I’m Larissa, Couples Therapist in San Francisco. If you’re wanting to grow a strong and healthy relationship with your partner and you live in the states of California or Florida, click here to schedule a free consultation with me today. I’ve helped couples just like you heal emotional wounds and create new, healthy patterns of interacting with each other.
